settle into the comfort

of the sun rising each day

the careful gaze you see

when you're with friends

and their other half.

when you find yourself

wondering

if and when.

the spiraling circles of uncertainty dance

and spin and sometimes pull you under.

 

the feeling

of a warm blanket on a cold night.

wrapped from head to toe

when you can't bear to face the world.

you find you've tired

of the fight, the struggle

the search.

the warm trickle of a tear

snakes it's way down your cheek as you drift.

 

these words...used before

emotions all expressed.

dreams written on stone, in the night sky

with the stars.

love floats through the air

it's scent lingers then fades.

all forgotten.

imagined.

destined.

SO I listend to KG and everyone else and I wrote him..and he wrote me back today!!! :) :) :)

 

Someone told me I should drop everything and move to Buffalo. Not really sure that's the best thing for me. I don't really even know how he feels about me and that's the beauty of it. For once I'm not worried whether or not he feels the same way, it's just blissful knowing that that's how I feel. Does that even make sense?!?

 

It's nice to know the feeling and be comfortable and secure enough in it that it doesn't matter if it's the same for both of us.

I think it's been a year. Over a year perhaps... It's weird to think that so much time has passed, and yet it has.

 

If my heart seems distant, if I seem to disconnect... there would be a reason. Hurt, pain, all of that doesn't play a part in the walls I have built I'm afraid. It's more complicated than that.. and I'm not even sure it's real. Sure I've been hurt, I've been cheated on and treated like crap by guys... but I don't believe that those things have anything to do with why I am the way I am now. I can't think right now to to put it properly in to words...and yet, for one day, for nine hours I was grinning like a mad fool. It's not that I've been searching for something and I don't know what it is. I know exactly what it is, I had it once... and a year later and halfway across the world I had it again. Yet it's gone.

 

Yesterday is a dream to me. Today might possibly be as well. Tomorrow may follow suit.

 

I know this... There's someone out there that makes me feel confident, smart, funny and beautiful. There's someone out there that makes me feel safe and comfortable and makes me laugh. Someone that I can't seem to stop grinning when I think about them, or see them, or even get a stupid email from them. Someone who, after I leave from seeing them, calls me an hour later to see if I got home okay and to tell me that it was really nice to see me again. I went into the Cambie with butterflies in my stomach, and came out knowing only that I don't know what life has in store for me.

 

It started in Japan. Bad timing I always said. One of those nights in Tokyo where you don't really want to remember what went down in the wee hours if the daylight, and yet everything before that was pure bliss. Laughing and running around the streets talking to random people, drinking three bottles of wine only to black out as you enter a new bar and come to (apparently being fully functional the entire time) and you're dancing with some guy that turns out to be quite cute. You spend the night dancing with him, never expecting anything except for him to forget your name in the morning as you drunkenly stumble home and wonder who the hell you were hanging out with all night... only to have for the next few weeks someone who calls you every night to tell you to have sweet dreams and ask you to do something. I go away for a weekend to Hiroshima (he calls twice to see how I am). I come back. Spend the weekend with him and his friends knowing that in two weeks I am going to Australia for three weeks. He, it seems, would be leaving Japan for two months the following week. Bad timing.... Because I would be heading home to Canada for good in two months..

 

An email here and there. wandering thoughts of what ifs... then everything slowly fades away.... there's the memories and the pictures and that feeling that made you feel so alive, the smell of him on your shirt for a few days after. The phone call as you are sitting in the airport waiting for your plane to load for a vacation you really no longer want to go on. Wishing for more time, a minute, an hour, a day...

 

Who'd have guessed that over a year later you'd get that chance. An email out of the blue, mixed feelings about whether or not I should go.. and yet... exactly the same. Standing in the rain, under my jacket and talking. Looking into the eyes of a person I thought that I would never see again. THinking for a moment that I just wanted the world to melt away and let us be. The jokes, the laughs, the constant smile, the touch...a kiss. A year later and the exact same feeling. Standing in the rain waiting for the cab and when it comes he says "do you really have to go? you make standing in the rain enjoyable" ....

 

Yet he leaves tomorrow and lives on the other side of the country...in another country. I have to work tomorrow... otherwise I would have gone out with him tonight.... I was afriad that seeing him would ruin the perfect memory I had in my mind of that last weekend we spent together. The feeling of sleeping in his arms and having him hold me so close all night that when he rolled in his sleep, he pulled me along with him. I kind of wish I didn't see him ..  only because that feeling is no longer dormant. It's raw and fresh again... 

 

Would it ever work? Is it just a dream? Is it really real? He's an American for fucks sake.. he lives in Buffalo. He likes the Sabers!!! Geez.. 

 

and how to end this? I don't really know.. you know how they always say "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" .. would you rather wish for ignorance or would you wish for that moment of bliss only to have it taken from you? To not know the feeling, or feel it only for a fleeting moment? All I know is.. that if the Sabers go into the Stanley Cup final.. I have an open invitation to Buffalo to watch the playoffs. And in 2010 I have been promised a visit.  

 

And I know this as well... it's out there for me, somewhere. Someone. I don't have to look anymore. It'll come in its own time...of its own accord. For now, I'll just savour the moment.... My jacket still smells like him.